The slow strangulation of a former self!

November 18 Spiritual Warfare and Sin: The Erotic Age

It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and such sexual immorality as is not even named among the Gentiles-that a man has his father's wife! --1 Corinthians 5:1

The period in which we now live may well go down in history as the Erotic Age. Sex love has been elevated into a cult. Eros has more worshipers among civilized men today than any other god. For millions the erotic has completely displaced the spiritual....

Now if this god would let us Christians alone I for one would let his cult alone. The whole spongy, fetid mess will sink some day under its own weight and become excellent fuel for the fires of hell, a just recompense which is meet, and it becomes us to feel compassion for those who have been caught in its tragic collapse. Tears and silence might be better than words if things were slightly otherwise than they are. But the cult of Eros is seriously affecting the Church. The pure religion of Christ that flows like a crystal river from the heart of God is being polluted by the unclean waters that trickle from behind the altars of abomination that appear on every high hill and under every green tree from New York to Los Angeles. Born After Midnight, 36-37.

"Lord, I pray this morning for any of Your servants who are caught in the trap of immorality or pornography. This 'whole spongy, fetid mess' has so many in its clutches-give victory today, I pray, in Jesus' name. Amen."

This my friends is my dark secret, out of all the things I have overcome (or at least I think I have)...one things still takes hold of me and tries to pull me in...I read this today after my failures.

I try so hard but the minute I forget, I slip. Men I want to tell you something, although you are not commiting adultery with your body, you are still commiting adultery with your eyes and in your heart...and what is to become of us?

Where is the christian I once knew...(the one who resisted these things) I wonder what Paul the apostle struggled with when he spoke "oh what a wretched man I am", I wonder if Jesus struggled with the same thing...I feel sick to my stomach at the very sight of myself sometimes.

I heard My pastor and friend...speak of sacrifice and it weighed heavy on me. What can I do? The nature of the beast takes over once you have been convinced long enough...I wish I where strong all the time but the truth is..I am only half strong (if that!)

You see the whole point to my story is was this..."in no way other way does this sin affect you so!"
As a child I was exposed to this, I grew up with it's clutches so desperately clinging to me....I now wonder if I will ever be free from it all, and for some reason it becomes harder to resist...

The more I let down my guard the harder it is to say no!...you may say as you read this well that's because you let down your guard but the truth is I don't realize I have until I am in the middle of it, I know that scripture states "don't be as horse or a donkey to be led with a bit in its mouth" ...but for this I wish it said "in your times of trouble I will lead you like a horse"...I wish that I could be perfect...but I fear I will never be, I fear for my salvation, will god call me a sheep or a goat in the end? DO I deserve discouragement or encouragement?

Does every man/woman feel this way? I wish there where more open people around me bit the truth is they are probably just as afraid as I am of telling this to people. But the truth has to be out...I have no one to talk to about it and if I did what would I say?

I had a dream a long time ago about a field and a big oak tree, the clouds where black and the tree was dead, This lightning bolt crashed through the sky so enormous it almost blinded me and the crack of it made my ears ring, It sliced through the tree like a knife through butter and the tree shattered like glass hitting the floor,

I hope for my sake this dream comes true, I hope whatever sin is in my life shatters like that
..I want to hear at the end of my life "well done good and faithful servant" but I am scared I will only hear "I never knew you"...With these fears so deeply imbedded in me and the truth finally coming out I wonder how many will look me in the eye and not think "Pervert"...I tell you now I am sick I have a desease and this desease without encouragement will eat me alive, I need to hear that I am a good person, I need to know I am a good person...I need the truth whatever it may be.

...I really feel like I don't belong and that all the cliches(not really cliches to those who follow him with pure hearts) do not apply to me. How far can God be pushed how many times can you fall down and ask for forgiveness before it becomes redundant?...before you just finally say you know what God I am not fit, go ahead give up on me...I am not what you or I had hoped for.

Nevertheless...I am killing myself to live, holding on to a hope I am not so sure of now...only the hope that God will love me enough to keep going and maybe if he thinks of it he can take me with him.....

I would like to end this post with an "I'm Kidding" like I would if I where acting out of character...during group discussions...but regretfully and shamefully I'm not...this is me this is where I am at right now and I fear I will never win...and that all those self help books out there christian and the like are a scam, or a big money grab... the only help comes from the holy spirit and what if I lost him too!

Or maybe I'm just having a bad day? Maybe I've just hung out around the manure pile too long and I'm beginning to smell Like it! (these are attempts to discredit the way I feel)